


Goofus & Gallant, and Other G Names, or The Naming of Prats

by Call_Me_CakeWife



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Founders, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, Other, Pre-Hogwarts, pre-hogsmeade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 21:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7591045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Call_Me_CakeWife/pseuds/Call_Me_CakeWife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gertrude tries to work with Melvin, but he's far too wasted to be of any use.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goofus & Gallant, and Other G Names, or The Naming of Prats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maq_moon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maq_moon/gifts).



    Gertrude Ravenclaw was struggling to come up with any names for herself that she actually enjoyed.  She looked to Melvin, and then to her mug, watching the subtle motion of the liquid within, as one hand rose to absently fiddle with her hair.  
  
    “Ugh.  We ought to think of something,” she said, after another sip of something that was trying very hard to be firewhiskey. Melvin, who had started drinking hours before Gertrude, merely grunted, but whether it was agreement or not, it was hard to tell.  He didn’t really want to get caught up in the talky, thinky thing, though.  He was far more interested in pickling his liver.    
  
    “I’ve put together a list for you,” she said (what she thought was) kindly, not really trusting him to be left to his own devices on the matter.  It was easier to think of things that suited him, though, than it was to come up with something for herself.  
  
    "Of course you have," mumbled Melvin.

 

    “What do think of… _Gilgamesh?”_ she presented importantly, with a sweeping gesture of her hands, drawing it out like it was the clear champion, already.  Her eyes were wide with her zeal.  This was it.  It was the one.  Gertrude already knew it.  She hardly even needed the rest of the list.  
  
    “Gildermench?  Wha’ kind of a name is Glindermesh?” he asked.  
  
    Gertrude looked immediately sore.  “That’s not even what I said!”  She took a breath. “I said, ‘Gil-ga-mesh," she repeated brightly, her hands, again, expanding in some grand display.  "It’s handsome, don’t you think?” the witch asked, smiling encouragingly, because this time, now that he heard it, he would see that she was right.

 

    “I’m no’ gonna name myself Gillyweed for anybody, Lady,” he slurred, pointing at her...ish, while making his point.    
  
    Gertrude pushed out a breath through her nose, her lips pursing.  “Fine, then,” she decided, determined to not get angry, even if she was failing that task.  
  
    “How about Gladius.  Gladius Gryffindor.  It’s good, right?”    
  
    “Isn’t that a-”  
  
    “No,” she interrupted, seeing where it was going from his overly articulate body language.  “You’re thinking gluteus.”  
  
     _“That’s_ out,” he determined immediately.    
  
    “Gallant?” she offered.  
  
    “Hmmm…. Not bad.  I _am_ quite Gallant, aren’t I?”  
  
    She smiled, again, encouraged.  “I like it.  Gal Gryffindor, the brave,” the witch added, trying to really sell it.  
  
    “Gal?  Never mind,” he decided.  
  
    “Oh, you’re just being impossible.  I’m _trying_ to help you, and I don’t hear _you_ coming up with anything!”

  
    “I can do.  Better than you, and all.  Um…” It wasn’t as easy as he thought.  “Rumm...y. Rumm...mera.”  
  
    “That’s not a name, that’s your drink.  I should have known better than to try this when you were sloshed.”  
  
    “No, I’m good.  I got this. ...R....  Roberta.  See?” he offered in a triumphant semi-slur.  
  
    “It’s not terrible.  It’s not terribly me, either, though.”  She was glad that he was trying to be helpful, at least.  Usually, this many sheets to the wind, and talking to him felt impossible.    
     “Helga said I ought to give you mine,” she joked. “Since I’m not using it, anymore.”  
  
    Melvin grinned, a little lopsided.  “I don’t know.  I think Gertrude Gryffindor sounds pretty good,” he said slyly, leaning in across the table.  Gertrude blocked him with a palm to his face, before he could try anything, the action pushing him back onto his stool.  

  
    “What do you think of Gareth?  Gaspard?  Gregor?” she asked, pulling focus to the matter at hand..  
  
    “Gasp-hard?” He smirked.  “Is that because of the sound I made when you-”  
  
    “Shut up!” she hissed quickly, not wanting her mistake from the other week to be broadcast throughout the tavern.  
  
    Melvin looked immediately scalded.  “I’ve thought of a few," he offered bitterly.  "Rubella.”  
  
    “That’s not a name, it’s an illness. _I_ was trying to be serious.  I should have said something like Gilderoy, to match your ostentation and your ego,” Gertrude suggested with a minor glower.  
  
    “Ringwormia.  Because you get under my skin,” he teased, always enjoying a chance to rile her up.  
  
    “If that’s all the help you’re going to be-”  
  
    “Rosacea.  Because you really chap my a-” But a hand came over his mouth before he could finish the word.   Melvin escaped the strong hand with the effort of looking upward.  Seeing the man behind him, he grinned.  “Sally!” he boomed joyously.  
  
    Salazar looked quite irritated to be hearing the moniker, but forced himself not to comment on it.  “I think it’s time you retire, before we draw ourselves any… unwanted attention,” he said, helping the man to his feet, despite the fact that Gryffindor had no desire to leave.  “Come along, Melvin,” he said, pulling the man’s arm around his shoulder, and walking towards the door.  
  
    “Fine. Fine.  But you’re kind of cock blocking me, here,” he stage-whispered to his friend.  Slytherin rolled his eyes, before glancing back at a scoffing Ravenclaw.  
  
    ‘Thank you,’ Gertrude mouthed gratefully to him, and Salazar gave her a micro-smile, before leading Melvin Gryffindor out of the tavern, and towards the castle on the hill.  


End file.
